Clobbering the Big 'Q'

If you've read this blog for very long you probably realize that I'm pretty transparent about this Operation Christmas Child journey.  Maybe too transparent--but you'll have to judge that for yourself.

So even though I still have a few other blogs I want to complete about my experience at the OCC Global Connect Conference, I want to tell you about a battle I fought even as we celebrated 100 million boxes this weekend.

The battle in my mind started on Friday evening and intensified on Saturday--fueled by fatigue (why can't I fall asleep at night?) and the overstimulation that I get from large crowds of people (even really sweet fellow believers).

This conference was so well-done.  Every detail was attended to with excellence.  Nevertheless, we were very busy.  In between all these wonderful general sessions I've been blogging about were training sessions and workshops.
These were wonderful, too, but I could feel my crankiness bubbling under the surface.

On Friday afternoon I attended a 3.5 hour workshop on High Impact Leadership.  I believe in this leadership model.  And the activity we were to participate in as a group at this workshop was well-crafted.  But I was tired and all I could think was--hey, I get it.  I know what you're trying to teach me here.  Could you just let me sit this one out?

After another night with four hours of sleep, Saturday brought a lunch meeting where I discussed packing parties with a few friends followed by an Area Coordinator Roundtable.  I was fading.  The discussion activities were good but Satan was waging war in my mind.

As I tried to focus on how to plan for multiplying my team to birth even more teams all I could think of was that I still need coordinators for the team I've been trying to build for six years now.  Yes, SIX YEARS.

Just to show you how the downward spiral works--I sat there happily cooperating with my fellow-area coordinators while the 'Q' word just kept repeating itself in my mind.  Like this--

You've been trying to do this for so long and you're not getting it right.  (and the whisper came--quit)  You don't even have a team how can you plan for more teams (a little louder--quit)  You know it's just too hard (the voice in my head ramped up another notch--QUIT)

I obediently turned over my worksheet page and tried to follow the instructions to write 6 goals to complete in 6 weeks.  Where to begin?  I thought of the litany that ran through my head when I tried to sleep last night--plans to travel to another school to do health screenings on Monday, my mother's upcoming 100th birthday party, my daughter's upcoming wedding, ideas, random thoughts but not goals.

I jotted down a few ideas and then turned to the friend next to me.  Wait, do these have to be SMART goals?  She shrugged.  My brain fogged.

And the voice said--QUIT.

But here's the good thing.  I'm learning to talk back to those voices.  I'm learning to plug my ears when Satan shouts those condemnations into my sleep-deprived psyche.

So I took a deep breath and quit--I mean I quit trying to think of goals.  I just stopped.  Sometimes it's okay to quit on the little things so you don't give up on the main goal all together.

I decided to listen to God's promises and I quoted a few to myself.  And I resolved to wait for the goal-setting until I'd had at least one good night of sleep.

And I aimed to pay attention to God's voice in the encouraging people around me.   And one of those agents of God's voice came as our shuttle van pulled up at the airport terminal this morning.  As she left the van, that sweet OCC friend from Texas whose name I don't even remember looked back at me and said, "Now remember Hebrews 10:39 'But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul.'"

Not quitting.